And what’s with those little wimpy brooms? I don’t have all day. I’ve got the coarse bristle shop broom for gathering up the kids dirty clothes off the floor, and the soft bristle shop broom that can gather up thirty Cheerios in one swipe.
Hoover, you say? Genie Shop Vac, I say. Have you ever tried to suck up a marble or a Happy Meal toy with a Kenmore or Dyson? Not happening. You’ll just get that horrid rattling sound like a 70’s pinball machine with dry-rotted rubber bumpers. Put on the ear protection and fire up the Genie, and BAM, Shrek is playing marbles inside my 15 gallon Wet/Dry canister of doom, baby!
Okay, next revelation comes in two words: Pressure Washer! Or is that supposed to be one word? Anyway, don’t go blowing me off before you hear me out. Pressure washers take regular water pressure and amp it up so that the water can blow off any amount of dirt, mold, mildew, or melted orange Popcicle. You can even add detergent to them. It works in your dishwasher, so why not on the rest of your house?
Obviously, there would have to be some redesigning of houses in general. First of all, there would have to be floor drains in every room. Secondly, there would have to be an impressive array of bungee cords keeping everything in place. Even a 1500 lb pressure spray can knock a lamp off a table, so there’s the whole “strapping, screwing, and stapling things down” aspect to this. Gorilla Tape, of coarse would be a necessity. You may also have to improve the quality of your stuff slightly. I would think a good pressure washer would shoot a hole right through a cheap set of blinds. I haven’t tried it yet, I’m just saying. But, think about it! After everything was waterproofed, you could just load your pressure washer with your favorite environmentally friendly detergent and let it rip. After a good sudsing, flick it to clean water and rinse! Plus, the kids would be fighting over who got to do the cleaning. It’s a win-win situation. Switch to the Windex compartment, and do the windows! Switch to the dog soap compartment and take care of Fido! Kids want to come inside after playing in the dirt? Fine… Mr. Pressure Washer does not discriminate. Line ‘em up and hose ‘em down. No need for showers tonight, kids!
Well, I have to go. Target has toasters on sale. The propane torch “booster” idea only worked in theory.