Socks and Hats

I’ve heard comedians talk about washing machines eating socks, and I used to love The Far Side’s “Land of Missing Things” which includes car keys and marbles along with the piles of socks. But, it’s not funny anymore. I’m actually upset.

I’ve been doing the laundry now for a while and I can’t figure out where the socks are going. I can account for two or three socks being statically clung to my wife’s sweat pants, suicided behind the dryer, and tucked in the elasticized corner of a fitted bed sheet, but the rest have no logical explanation.

By the way, why do they say “fitted bed sheet” when they don’t fit squat? If you get the pillow top fitted sheets they either look like a deflated balloon or you have to crank them down like a pregnant woman pulling on skinny jeans. It’s like the “One Size Fits All” hats that only fit that guy that works down at Quiznos with the really big head. How did he become the standard for heads? China makes all the hats. Does China have one model head that they use for all the hats? I thought those guys were even smaller than Americans. Was there a terrible “I Love Lucy” type accident with the model head, which got glued back together in a Frankenstein’s Monster shape, which became the go-to head for all Chinese headwear manufacturing? Why can’t they just have small, medium, large, and Big Gulp like the drink cups. The Quiznos guy can get his Big Gulp hat and the rest of us can get one that fits too. Who came up with the Big Gulp drink anyway? Who, besides a porpoise, needs that much liquid? And when the heck did “small” become a half gallon? I went into Burger King for first time in a year or two and ordered a Coke. She asked me what size I wanted, and I pointed to a healthy sized cup on the counter. She replied by saying, “Okay, one ‘kiddie’ size fountain drink.” Kiddie size!? Are you kidding me? You’re going to emasculate me because I only want a QUART of Coke? Should I order “Sippy Cup” next time if I’m only a little thirsty?

Whoa… side track, bad… what the heck was I talking about a minute ago… Socks! That’s it.

I can’t find them. I’ve looked. I found one in my wife’s underwear drawer. That’s how desperate I got. I looked in my wife’s underwear drawer.

I had a weird rotation of three orange socks because one of them went missing a year ago. The three remaining got equal wear. Then one day, without it giving me an explanation, the missing orange sock reappeared. I looked around the closet for a newly installed Lost Sock Dispenser, or a remorseful sock burglar trying to make amends, but alas, I was alone with my new mystery.

I tried putting the sock back into the rotation, but it felt wrong. You can’t have one faded, worn out orange sock and one new-looking orange sock on. So, do I just throw away the good looking one? I mean, it just came back. That feels wrong, too. And where was it all this time? Does it know where the others are? I’m thinking China is somehow involved in this.