Friday, January 14, 2011

What's For Dinner?

I’ve got the whole cooking-dinner-every-night thing figured out.

Fast food is super cheap and it’s everywhere. Tell your family that you have new menu ideas for dinner, then go buy fast food and dispose of all the wrappers.

It’s close to genius!

When you’re family gets sick (which they will), give them some raw vegetables for a few days until their bowls start working again, then get back to the easy stuff.

Here’s a sample menu:
Monday, get a bag of hamburgers and fries from McDonalds.
Tuesday, get a bag of the cheap tacos from Taco Bell.
Wednesday, get a bucket of chicken from KFC (use a coupon, they’re expensive).
Thursday, hit the dollar menu at Wendy’s and shake it up.
Friday, something chickeny from Jack in the Box.
Saturday and Sunday, act like you’re tired of cooking and maybe your spouse will cook something.

There are a couple of things you should watch out for.
First, your children will gain a scary amount of weight, get really lethargic, and may periodically vomit. This is normal, don’t freak out, just keep an eye on the diabetes.

Second, your family's taste buds will slowly dissolve. There's nothing you can do about that.

Third, you have got to keep the cob webs out of the kitchen and dust off the stove top regularly. If your spouse is cooking on the weekends, this should take care of itself.

Finally, if you live in a small town, you have got to disguise yourself and your car when you go to the franchises, so the high school students don’t start recognizing you. Throw on a Hannah Montana wig, and use that blue painters tape to give your ride a new look each week. Don’t use duct tape – it leaves sticky stuff on your paint job.

If I see a fake blond driving an SUV with 3” wide blue pinstripes in the drive-through, I’ll give you a nod and a wink.

Now go get some junk food and rent a movie (you have time now)!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Dern Dogs

I’m tired of my dogs freeloading.

All they do is eat, sleep, grow hair, look at me, and poop in my driveway. All I ask is that they go poop in the neighbor’s driveway.

I realize I shouldn’t be too upset, considering the size of the “presents”. When I was a kid, my friend, Bucky, had a Saint Bernard named Hoss with a digestive disorder. Big dogs leave behind big packages. Hoss left behind a semi-liquid trail of horror that could ruin your day if you weren’t paying attention to where you were biking, walking, or skateboarding.

My dogs are small, which creates another set of problems. They’re not big enough to do any work. I hooked them up to my sled and they just stood there. They didn’t even try to pull me.

I suppose the white one could herd ducks or something, but I don’t think duck farmers have a need for herding dogs. The only thing I think I could ever get the fat black one to herd would be roasted chicken or bacon.

I don’t even think these dogs are big enough for a baby to ride. Bucky’s little brother rode Hoss until he was maybe 5 or so. Even if my dogs were big enough for infants to ride, I don’t think babies can hang on very well. Even Bucky’s little brother fell off no matter how many times we stuck him up there.

I need to figure out some way to get a return on my investment.

Dog shows are totally out. There is no way I’m stuffing the fat black one into a swimsuit. It’s demeaning for all fat black dogs. And the white dog already has a tendency toward vanity. When she finds a well-dead animal in the woods, she rolls in it and prances around the neighborhood to show off her new perfume. I don't want to encourage that sort of behavior.

I could dress them in stupid costumes and rent them to rich women who like to carry dogs around in their purses. Minor problem… I don’t know any rich women who would carry around a crazy cock-a-poo with fish-breath and sticks in her fur. If you know someone like that, could you drop me a line?

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Sick and Tired

I’m sick and tired.

I got sick on New Year’s Eve, and I’m tired of dragging my bloated head around.

Now I sit here startled at the amount of mucus my sinuses have produced in the last few minutes. If there is a contest, I’d like to enter it.

It makes me wonder how big my sinuses really are. It’s the same sort of mystery as seeing a really large woman in stretch pants… how did all that get in there? It seems to defy physics.

If there really is that much room behind your eyeballs, couldn’t we use that space when we’re not sick? I’ve often had the conundrum of where to keep my car key while I’m out for a jog. Based on what these Kleenex are showing me, I could hold a set of keys and my wallet up there.

How about that boarding pass the next time you fly? You know you need to keep it handy, but you’re also toting a carry-on the size of a dishwasher, and you have your kids’ toys, snacks, and eighty dollars worth of bottled water in your hands. Wouldn’t it be nice to have your boarding pass safely tucked away in your nose?

Oooo, I can see the future of cell phones. Just make them small enough to shove up a nostril and start talking. The crazy people will love this better than Bluetooth earbuds. Everybody will look like they’re talking to themselves, but they won’t have things stuck in their ears.

You could hit Speaker, and your friends voice will come out of your nose.

Click on iTunes and you would get awesome sound through your eustachian tubes.

There would be no more pocket dialing, unless you’re a nose picker. You’d have to be careful about sneezing, though. One whiff of pepper and you could shoot your phone smack into the Dispoz-All.

I don’t think the camera function on your phone would be very good. You’d have to tilt your head waaaaay back.

The vibrate function would be pretty cool. You would definitely not miss a call, ever.

I think I should take a Sudafed, drink more cough medicine, and try this out.