Safeway Shenanigans

Safeway is the gateway to the 80’s.   

I wasn’t aware of this myself until today.   

The first indication of something odd was when I approached the door and my great aunt Bertha was blocking the entire entrance (yes, she had the… presence to block an entire grocery store entrance).  My great aunt Bertha passed away many years ago, so I was quite surprised to see her as you can imagine.  But there she was with her flowered dress on, talking to another lady in a flowered dress about Bob Barker or something along those lines.   

I decided not to interrupt her, and besides, you had to be careful around great aunt Bertha because she talked with her arms when she got excited, and that could be dangerous.  

 Inside the Safeway, I grabbed a cart and started on the weekly shopping.  Within a minute, I was asked by a clean-cut box boy if I was finding everything okay.  He had no tattoos, no metal bits sticking out of his eyebrows, lips or nose, and (get this) his underwear was not visible.  That’s right, I’m telling you that his pants fit.   

It was about this time that I noticed that I was humming a Thompson Twins song.  It was in my head because it was playing over the speakers.   

How awesome is that!  Thompson Twins in Safeway!   

For the next 15 minutes, I sat on a Little Debbie display and sang along with English Beat, Blondie, Howard Jones, and UB 40.  I bumped into another guy in the dairy aisle who was also singing, and we managed some shaky harmony on the Go Go’s classic, "Vacation".   

By the time I made it around to produce, I was feeling pretty happy with my shopping trip.  It was in amongst the potatoes that I decided to do what I wanted to do in 1982 at the local Kroger.  I wanted to make a face on the cabbage… like Mr. Potato Head.   

My mother would not allow one of her sons to handle the produce in the store, so my Mr. Cabbage Head never came to life.  Today, though, was 1982 all over again, so I thought to myself, “Self, you go and make your Mr. Cabbage Head.”   

I found some pearl onions, string beans and snow peas, and went to the cabbages and started rearranging them to suit my needs.  The young man working in produce asked me if I needed any help, and I replied, “No thank you, I’d like to make this cabbage face by myself.” 

It should be noted that his nose only had two proper holes, and his underwear was not visible at all.
Man, I miss the 80’s.