Crock Pot or Crack Pot

My wife bought ¼ of cow.  

I don’t know which ¼ she bought.  I don’t think I would be impressed by the answer.   

I decided it was time I learned how to use the Crock Pot.  I was assured over and over again (by various well-intentioned women) that the Crock Pot was easy.  

I do easy.  I pulled out the easy recipe that my neighbor gave me, and took an easy roast out of the easy freezer.   

The first instruction was to cut up the roast and remove the fat.  The thing was a block of ice.  I thought about breaking out the chisels and hammer, but decided that my chisels were too expensive to dull on a frozen cow, so I stuck the ice block in the fridge for a couple of days.   

When I broke it out again, there was a big puddle of blood making its way through the fridge.  

 Note to self: the butcher doesn’t use Zip Locks.   

The meat was properly ready for cutting, so I prepared the house and myself for cooking time.  I donned my apron, cranked up some AC/DC, and pulled out all the snacks in the cupboard.   

Next I got out a cutting board, and a big knife.  I pushed the meat around with my big manly knife awhile before deciding to sharpen it.  After a good sharpening, I made quick work of the cow parts, but ended up with a sink full of fat.  I'll have to see if the kids can use it for some arts and crafts project.  

The Crock Pot was on the top shelf in the pantry and I recalled that it weighed a couple hundred pounds, so I put on my ski helmet just in case it was going to give me trouble.   

In went the meat, carrots, celery, and….hmmmm. I couldn’t find the onion or potatoes.   

I called my wife, who reminded me that we already ate the potatoes.  I’m guessing the onion was a figment of my imagination.  She told me to call the neighbor.  I didn’t know that was allowed.  It’s like a “Get Out of Cooking Jail Free” card.  So I called AJ, who told me he used up his potatoes.   

Back to the fridge.  There were plenty of white things that could be replacements for the missing veggies, but I ruled out all of them on the basis that none of them were vegetables.  Then I found radishes.  Radishes are white, like potatoes and onions, AND they grow in the ground.  Win – win!   

In went the radishes. Then I added the spices as directed until I reached “pepper to taste”.  Okay, I’m NOT going to taste raw meat with pepper on it.  Why the heck would they tell you to do that?   

Lastly, I was supposed to pour a can of tomato soup on the whole thing.  In the pantry I found diced tomatoes, tomato sauce, tomato paste, crushed tomatoes… you get the idea.  No tomato soup.   

So, I did what any man would do - I used logic.  Tomato soup is simply two words put together: tomato (I’ve got those!) and soup (I’ve got that too!).  So I added some tomatoes, but decided, just before pouring in the Chicken Noodle, that it might clash with the radishes, so I left it out.   

As I popped on the lid of the easy Crock Pot, I looked at the final instructions on the recipe.  They called for 250 degrees for 5 hours.  There was no “250 degrees for 5 hours” button on my Crock Pot.  I checked… twice.   

I did find a button with three settings – Low, High, and Keep Warm.  I ruled out Keep Warm immediately, reasoning that raw meat which had been kept warm for 5 hours would only taste good to a coyote.  This left a coin toss for High or Low.  My nickel landed on tails... Low it is.   

Finally, for the time.  I hit the little up arrow until 5:00 showed up on the screen.  Nothing happened.  The timer didn’t start counting down. I couldn’t tell if it was on, I couldn’t find a Start button.   

I stood around for at least 2 minutes to see if I had punched in minutes instead of hours or days.  The timer changed to 4:58.  I took this as evidence that it would not cook for 5 days.  

I now have a messy kitchen, the snacks are gone, I don’t know if the food is actually cooking, and even if it does cook, I have a hunch that no one will eat it.  

 Maybe I should have put in the Chicken Noodle.