About Aboard Aboat

We bought a boat.

Okay, that’s vague. We bought a motor that is surrounded by enough fiberglass to keep it from sinking. My knowledge of boats is vast, though. For instance, I know that pirates like them. I know that they float in the water because of magic and pixie dust. I also know that they are not made of Salteen crackers or fur.

With this unparalleled knowledge, I ventured to the far reaches of Lynnwood to buy the boat that Jenny picked out. The nice man told me how the boat worked. I smiled and nodded. I was supposed to take notes (he didn’t tell me that). I then followed another guy around while he piled things in my shopping cart that I had to have for the boat to float; ropes, an orange flag, an airhorn (those are cool), a fire extinguisher (I thought we were supposed to use the boat in the water?), and some big white bumpers that look like King Kong’s Tic-Tacs. With my tools of the trade and my new boat, I drove the 3 hours back to Jenny’s workplace, and asked Jenny what we were supposed to do with it. She was already wearing her swimsuit.

I felt good going into the “boat ramp scenario”. I know how to back a trailer, by golly. It turns out, there is more to it than just backing down the hill. There are rules.
Rule #1You have to pay to push your expensive toys into the river.
Rule #2 If you’re drunk, you get to do anything you want.
Rule #3 If you push your boat into the river, you have to hang on to it or it floats away.

There is another rule, which pertains to this boat we now have. It really wants to go…. anywhere… now. When I started it up, Jenny was on the dock holding on to a rope attached to the front. Immediately after the engine roared to life, the boat left without my permission, and Jenny was left wondering what the hell she was going to do when the rope ran out. Luckily, the boat decided to just spin around by the dock. I tried yelling at it. I tried focusing my yelling on the steering wheel. I tried yelling at Jenny. I tried panicking too, but nothing worked. Now, what did that guy at the store tell me? Hmmm, I really should have written that down.

After giving up and waiting to be rescued by the Coast Guard, Jenny reeled me in like I was a giant catfish with a roman candle stuck in its bum. She jumped on board, and we spiraled out into the lake to fight a bit.

We’ve taken the boat out a few times since, and have had much better luck (not counting the stick in the impellor, having to get towed to the ramp, getting pulled over by the Park Ranger AND the Lake Patrol, and pulling the trailer out of the water with the boat snaking behind like a harpooned seal – dern winch strap).