Dern Dogs

I’m tired of my dogs freeloading.

All they do is eat, sleep, grow hair, look at me, and poop in my driveway. All I ask is that they go poop in the neighbor’s driveway.

I realize I shouldn’t be too upset, considering the size of the “presents”. When I was a kid, my friend, Bucky, had a Saint Bernard named Hoss with a digestive disorder. Big dogs leave behind big packages. Hoss left behind a semi-liquid trail of horror that could ruin your day if you weren’t paying attention to where you were biking, walking, or skateboarding.

My dogs are small, which creates another set of problems. They’re not big enough to do any work. I hooked them up to my sled and they just stood there. They didn’t even try to pull me.

I suppose the white one could herd ducks or something, but I don’t think duck farmers have a need for herding dogs. The only thing I think I could ever get the fat black one to herd would be roasted chicken or bacon.

I don’t even think these dogs are big enough for a baby to ride. Bucky’s little brother rode Hoss until he was maybe 5 or so. Even if my dogs were big enough for infants to ride, I don’t think babies can hang on very well. Even Bucky’s little brother fell off no matter how many times we stuck him up there.

I need to figure out some way to get a return on my investment.

Dog shows are totally out. There is no way I’m stuffing the fat black one into a swimsuit. It’s demeaning for all fat black dogs. And the white dog already has a tendency toward vanity. When she finds a well-dead animal in the woods, she rolls in it and prances around the neighborhood to show off her new perfume. I don't want to encourage that sort of behavior.

I could dress them in stupid costumes and rent them to rich women who like to carry dogs around in their purses. Minor problem… I don’t know any rich women who would carry around a crazy cock-a-poo with fish-breath and sticks in her fur. If you know someone like that, could you drop me a line?