Sick and Tired

I’m sick and tired.

I got sick on New Year’s Eve, and I’m tired of dragging my bloated head around.

Now I sit here startled at the amount of mucus my sinuses have produced in the last few minutes. If there is a contest, I’d like to enter it.

It makes me wonder how big my sinuses really are. It’s the same sort of mystery as seeing a really large woman in stretch pants… how did all that get in there? It seems to defy physics.

If there really is that much room behind your eyeballs, couldn’t we use that space when we’re not sick? I’ve often had the conundrum of where to keep my car key while I’m out for a jog. Based on what these Kleenex are showing me, I could hold a set of keys and my wallet up there.

How about that boarding pass the next time you fly? You know you need to keep it handy, but you’re also toting a carry-on the size of a dishwasher, and you have your kids’ toys, snacks, and eighty dollars worth of bottled water in your hands. Wouldn’t it be nice to have your boarding pass safely tucked away in your nose?

Oooo, I can see the future of cell phones. Just make them small enough to shove up a nostril and start talking. The crazy people will love this better than Bluetooth earbuds. Everybody will look like they’re talking to themselves, but they won’t have things stuck in their ears.

You could hit Speaker, and your friends voice will come out of your nose.

Click on iTunes and you would get awesome sound through your eustachian tubes.

There would be no more pocket dialing, unless you’re a nose picker. You’d have to be careful about sneezing, though. One whiff of pepper and you could shoot your phone smack into the Dispoz-All.

I don’t think the camera function on your phone would be very good. You’d have to tilt your head waaaaay back.

The vibrate function would be pretty cool. You would definitely not miss a call, ever.

I think I should take a Sudafed, drink more cough medicine, and try this out.